The day something broke

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Something broke inside me today. Some wall, some shell, some badly forged armour or shield or something.

Since Brexit, since Trump, I have been broken. The world I love has changed, and I fear for it. That fear has paralysed me, despite all the good advice and keep-going hope I’ve been writing lately, I can’t seem to listen to myself.

I stopped. I stopped caring for myself, and saw this blank detachment from my own life as somehow insulating me from the horrors going on outside. It didn’t work, it couldn’t work, but there it was.

So my days became robotic, routine. Wake after a sleepless night, go to work, spend half the day glued to the car-crash unfolding on Twitter and the news, come home, try to escape into TV, go to bed, pretend to sleep. Repeat ad nauseam.

My Druid practice? Withered. Forgotten in the midst of fear.

My health? Ignored, wasted away to comfort-eating and sedentary nothingness.

The joy of life? Lost. Guilt tells me not to enjoy life while others fear for theirs.

But this evening, for no apparent reason, something broke. And I saw what I had become, and how far that is from what I want to be, need to be, in this world.

I don’t know how to move on from here, but I know I must. If despair wins, then the forces of evil win.

Self-care is not selfish. I’ve read the words a thousand times, heck I’ve written them. But now I need to embrace them, with my whole being.

And so, to restart.

Daily Druid practice, a small five-minute devotion at my home shrine in the morning (probably using Michael J. Dangler’s Crane Breviary and Guidebook as inspiration).

Daily exercise. Yoga would be a good place to start, followed by going back to the strength training I used to enjoy.

Eating better. Junk food is just that, junk. It does nothing for physical or mental health in the long run.

Spending more time outdoors, away from a screen. Getting back in touch with the land, the waters and the sky, the roots and heart of my Paganism.

Switching off the damn phone. I will still read the news to keep informed, it’s more important now than ever, but I don’t need to be on it 24/7. I need to step away and allow myself space to breathe.

Fighting where it matters. Going to protest marches and writing letters to my elected representatives rather than sharing online petitions that will be read by nobody. Focusing on one or two issues (the environment, LGBT rights) and not trying to solve every problem at once.

It’s going to be a hard few years, and burn out is a real danger. So is apathy. I hope that by doing the above steps, I can walk that fine line between the two.

And so it goes.

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2 Responses to The day something broke

  1. Fny says:

    You are not alone. Try to see that which is still good in the world, take care of yourself and try to stay strong. Things may go to complete shit. But things can also take a turn for the better. Eventually it always gets better, as long as humans have hope and strive towards a better world! So just hang in there.

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